First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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