anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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