I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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