so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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