i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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