she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I've blown a few things in my day
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
