the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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