Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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