life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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