Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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