i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
