this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
