I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
