The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
