I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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