I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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