I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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