Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
