they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
