soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
