I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
