If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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