Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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