hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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