Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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