nut hugger
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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