he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
