Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
