i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
