Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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