I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
