If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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