So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
