I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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