hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
