Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
