a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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