haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
