She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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