I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
