we're chasing vodka with high fives
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
