hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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