Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
