He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just forgot I was standing up.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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