You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
