I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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