I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
