I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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