i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
