On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
