dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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