Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
