the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
