today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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