I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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