he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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