we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
