we have officially lost it.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
