dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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