I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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