So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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