I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
