Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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