Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
