Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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